Back Again

It's been a very long time since my last post and there are many reasons for that. The first being the fact that I am spending so much time cooking that I don't have time for many other things. The other reason is we've been traveling. Brian and I got to go on our first vacation (just the two of us) in five years, since the birth of our first born. I know many people don't get that at all and it was such a treat. We were gone for a week and my children stayed with my in-laws and my mom. I had to cook food for them to eat while gone (though my mom bit the bullet in learning to cook all these new recipes and cooked all her food) and cook food for me to take with me. We returned from vacation and left 10 days later to visit family for Thanksgiving.

This has made the work load for cooking much larger and its also been hard to stay motivated. I took a break from the diet while on vacation because, well, its vacation. That has made it hard to get back into it once home. I reached a day a couple of weeks ago (in between trips) where I hit a wall and could not cook another thing. It has also been such a struggle with my oldest. He has always been obsessed with eating and he is so sad about all the food missing. Every meal was becoming a battle and I couldn't take the arguing anymore.

We decided to give him a "break" from the diet. He was elated with this news. The "break" is just taking him off the Intro diet and moving him to full GAPS diet. We also let him have GAPS illegal treats over Thanksgiving. I am really seeing the effects of it now. Like my husband said the other day, "it feels like we can't win either way." With the illegal foods he has had severe stomach aches, become very argumentative and controlling (behavior we used to see back in the spring before we took him off of dairy and soy), had less control over his body (always moving, in your space, falling off of chairs, etc), and now he is more resistant to the foods he was eating well (cultured vegetables, supplements, even eggs).

My husband and I have had a lot of talks lately about what does "middle ground" look like for us. Its a hard question. To follow the GAPS protocol does not allow for much middle ground and if we want to see long term healing, we need to follow the protocol as close as possible. But, the stress it causes to follow the protocol can not be healthy either.

So, this is where we're at right now. I have started the Intro Diet over again--I'm on Day 4. I spent about a month cheating and not sticking strictly to the diet and have started feeling awful again. It took me about 6 weeks to get to stage 3 before, I'm hoping it won't take near as long to progress this time. I am going to be more careful about what vegetables and spices I introduce and really look for reactions.

I am also starting Gray (my second) over again tomorrow. My mom is taking my oldest for a few days so I don't have to deal with feeding them different things. I am praying we move fast with Gray so when my oldest comes back I can feed them somewhat similar things.

I feel a lot more prepared this time. I know its going to be hard. I'm expecting to feel very tired and moody for at least a month. I know now it will get better. At about 2 months into the diet I was really feeling positive and liking the foods. My cravings are strong right now but now as strong as they've been in the past.

My biggest prayer is to feel joy and peace in the midst of disappointment and trial. Every diaper, every meal, every behavior, every refusal of food is a chance for me to feel like a failure. I want to not be rocked by those circumstances and instead keep my eye on God's ability to give me wisdom and strength.